Sometime’s I wish , I was the sun
To shine upon you , with all the warmth I have
A glitter in your eye , to see every day
And then I wonder about the night, when sleep comes to me
No dreams be there , sole the worry of having scorched you
Perhaps , a flower I may be
Colourful and lively , a smile to you
Fragrances divine, your heart seduced
And then I wonder of how short today will be
And tommorrow , when wither and die, I will
Perhaps , I could be so many things
Of so many gifts I wonder
To keep you smile wide and sweet
Yet all I need is to be myself
For my love is deeper than an oceans thirst
Standing on the edge of the balcony , the wait had felt so serene. It did not matter how long it took for the first rays of light to peak over the horizon. I would wait patiently. These rays were symbolical to me as the rays of a new dawn. It naturally felt as the auspicious moment to execute my final plan. There was not a single thought or emotion. The plan, was for the first time in many years , not at all complicated. Nights of contemplating and reasoning had eaten away at the fear of my inevitable destiny. My plan was as simple as a single step , a step into thin air. After that gravity would give it, its final touches. There would be no more sleepless night , no more guilty thoughts and most of all there would no longer be loneliness.
It was 5:43 in the morning, and the cold bit at my skin. The papers had forecasted the sun to rise at 5:57. That gave me fourteen whole minutes. For a person whose 26 years of life was about to come to an end , these fourteen minutes seemed like a torturous eternity. I refused to close my eyes , for I feared the images that would pop up. I fought against the cold and the shivers that had come over my body. I gripped the railing harder as my watch struck 5:50. I willed to look back into my room , to have one last glance at the photo’s of the people who had meant a lot to me, but I could not bring myself to it.
I had left no note. I did not know how to say goodbye. I did not know how to prove that my act was not one of a selfish nature. I had fought as hard as I could, struggled against the tide of life, but life had quit on me. I had been in the face of death many times before, and each survival had only boosted my belief that I was meant for greater things. I , a graduate, from one of the best in the nation, and my education and skills had only provided me with the opportunity to sit in front of a monitor for 13 hours a day , raking mere peanuts under those who were a lot under qualified than myself. The world had stood still for me , when those who had edged past an education had turned out to be more successful. I was rejected by every one, I had cared for. No one had bothered to respond to the text messages I had sent. My phone had remained silent for a very long time. I had waited all night , hoping for the phone to ring. For someone to convince me to fight on . I had hoped for a call from that one person around whom my life had found some meaning.
I did believe in God. After all , such a grand finale could not have been made possible by human hands. Upon the dark palette that filled the sky, the heavens opened its door , and it could have only been the hand of God ,that had started painting across the sky a shade of orange. I closed my eyes .A bead of sweat trickled across my cheeks and merge dwith the tears that I had been unaware of till then.
Out of silence came the first noise that I had heard in the silence of the night. My watched beeped 5:57.
It must have been 9:20. It had to be around 20 minutes , since the last chime ,when I had entered this cold room . But I could never be sure. As of instinct , I looked to my wrist, in search of my $300 watch. But all I saw was the deep imprint of its metal marking. Everything seemed to move so slow in this room. And the shivers of an unrevealed future crawled through my ankles , up to my naked torso. I was bare in this room , covered by only a pale gown , accompanied by this casket , they called an MRI machine.
There was a noise behind me . I turned half expecting , a corpse to role by. It was just the nurse, who perhaps had never known a smile. Her eyes offered no hope, it was cold and steely , business as usual. She touched my arm , and the shivers ran deep. Her needle plunged deep into my veins, and when she drew it back , a drop of red blood stained my pale green gown.
I lay down , facing the white ceiling above . My back rested on nothing but a cold metal surface. She covered me with a blanket . Was it a sign of pity , I did not know. My head was locked in a harness, tightened as if she was readying me for the guillotine. Without a single word , she rolled me into the smallest of worlds I had ever been in.
Her footsteps faded into a deep eerie silence , and then the machine came to life.
****************************************************************************** I was just a normal boy, or so I wanted to think. But being the son of two teachers , never really did make you normal in an academic circle. There were always high expectations, and it only grew with every year that passed. It was funny how people invoked my parents profession , into the genes I carried. Some called me a genius , some said it was because my parents were teachers. Perhaps they were right , but it did not really bother me, as long as I continued being a topper.
All my exams were aced with ease , and I would run my victory lap in arrogance , by advising those stood below me. I was made for glory , or so I felt. Well that was till , my body broke.
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‘Tick Tick Tick tick Tock Tock TOCK TOCK TOCK Tik Tik ToK Tik ‘
It felt as though a multitude of workers were beating metal sheet. My mind wandered into territory which was now unrestricted. Perhaps it was for a coffin. I would know for sure in 45 minutes. 45 minutes was all it would take for the procedure, they said. 45 minutes was all that remained to determine , where the rest of my life would be.
‘Tick Tick Tick tick Tock Tock TOCK TOCK TOCK Tik Tik ToK Tik ‘
****************************************************
Life had never been an uncertainty to me. It was flowchart , which if followed ,resulted in the highest form of success. My preparation to being an engineer, had began when I was 10 years old. My parents made sure of it. I always knew I wanted to be an engineer , but I never actually knew why. I followed the flowchart of life , and my outstanding academics guaranteed me a spot in one of the best universities. My admission guaranteed a huge salary. All I had to do was pass, and for a guy like me , well that was not going to be a problem at all.
The noise was getting annoying. Perhaps it was only my imagination , but I could swear to feeling a pressure field around my head. What could be wrong with me. Was it a tumor , or a hemorrhage or was it nothing! The doctors could not be sure.
‘Tick Tick Tick tick Tock Tock TOCK TOCK TOCK Tik Tik ToK Tik’
It sounded like a clock . My mind was wandering with every tick.
**************************************************** She was beautiful , not like the cover of Vogue. She was beautiful like the early morning dew in a farm of roses. I had always known Kaksi, and yet had always remained a stranger. She knew of my existence , from the smiles we shared, but I never remembered a single syllable pass between us. For seven years I knew her , and for seven years she had been my only distraction.
‘Study hard and be an engineer. Then you can go and propose to her. Otherwise what will you parents think. This is not a joke. I understand yaar , Look at me . I have already planned it with Garima. I’ll finish my course , get a high salary , and then who will deny her to me!’
Well that was Arun , my first year roommate. A guy who unlike me had to study a lot to maintain his high grades. Funny how marrying a girl was an inspiration so great.
********************************************************
‘Tick Tick Tick tick Tock Tock TOCK TOCK TOCK Tik Tik ToK Tik’
I had never expected this. I mean who plans his own death. It was my brain for God’s sake. It didn’t matter what the result would be, my life would never be the same. I could feel my left arm tingle. It had always been like this. First the fingers on my left hand , would go numb , and then like a spreading venom , it would spread through my legs. My vision would get impaired , and my speech would become incoherent. And then as a finale to a concert , my head would implode, and I would pray for the end to come. And then just when all hope had gone , the image of Arun would pop in my head.
*********************************************************** He was on the table, his body ripped open. Smashed and unrecognizable he lay, barren in front of us. What would Garima say, would she recognize him? Would his own parents recognize him. Ofcourse they would. He was their Arun, their only Arun, our only Arun. He was all set, just year more to go , everyone had agreed, and now this. My phone rang, it was Garima, did she know ?
It rang . It rang again, what was I supposed to say. What miracle could my God conjure?
It rang again , and I picked it. There was no hello , just a moment of silence , in which words found their way. And then she screamed and my composure broke. We cried together.
***********************************************************
More than 45 minutes had passed. The nurse had come in and told me , that they required more investigation. I had searched desperately for any encouragement , but all I received was a cold steely stare.
‘Tick Tick Tick tick Tock Tock TOCK TOCK TOCK Tik Tik ToK Tik’
The noise was getting annoying !
Just let me out of here. Tell me what is wrong , tell me that there is an alternative . Or Tell me that I am dying . Tell me that My life is over . Do not make me go through this. Do not make me think, how long I have got. Every moment is just a hope.
‘Tick Tick Tick tick Tock Tock TOCK TOCK TOCK Tik Tik ToK Tik’
Prayers leave my body one by one. I have never prayed like this in my whole life. But would the cold metal casing of this machine allow my prayers through.
‘Tick Tick Tick tick Tock Tock TOCK TOCK TOCK Tik Tik ToK Tik’
Who would cry when I died?
What would I be remembered for?
Who would remember me a year from today?
Would money have saved me?
Would my academic scores inspire someone ?
Would I just end up a engraved name on a tombstone?
‘’Tick Tick Tick tick Tock Tock TOCK TOCK TOCK Tik Tik ToK Tik’
I closed my eyes in submission.
***********************************************************
2 hours 45 minutes later , the nurse rolled me out of the machine. Her eyes were still cold and steely, but it did not bother me anymore. She was just doing her business, little did she know what it meant for someone to be inside.
She handed me a basket of my clothing. My 300 Dollar watch was there. It still ticked, but it had lost its shine.
I walked out , and open arms reached out to me. There were wide smiles on everyone’s face.
They were all around me , in that small room. The room fit 3 of us quite conveniently. I looked past my parent’s face to my cell phone, in anticipation of enquiring calls. The blank screen stared back at me.
It wasn’t anything serious they say.
‘Nothing serious, my boy !’
The words stung deep. Did it make any difference?
They say nothing serious is wrong , but then why do I feel this flowchart of life , is totally wrong.
It was a day like none so different
The sun was high , in tranquility, locked between shading clouds
A sweet melancholy of Mozart strings , serenaded my feet to a dance with her
A fragrance like her , none felt in tis flower shop , in which I stood
Enchanted in colors and scents so varied
I searched and searched for one so different
To speak the story of heart , I willed
But words failed every single moment
A rose so red , my beating heart’s story,
A dasie so bright , the chirrupping within
A jasmine so fragrant , the smell of her hair
An aster to mark the journey ahead
Or a yellow tulip , a helplessness in her absence
So many be the choices , I have
So many words i have to say
My pocket but a poor man’s treasure
How then be it , that a single flower speak my soul
Beside the window , stood an ugly plant
A cactus so prickly , I feared to touch
But beauty I found , in the words it spoke
An everlasting truth that illusion bypass
A flower she was in my barren life
My thirst she quenched when all was lost
Green and prosperous our love would last
And hope to those , that come lost without hope
She guards the heart from those that pry
Her tentacles raised to strike deep within
Bleed shall they who try to steal
But from her , her precious love
My pocket is but a poor mans treasure
Yet enough to buy this catcus
Ugly it be , to be sold so less
Yet beauty be present in eyes of the beholder
